Does anyone else feel like you’re always behind schedule?
You set your deadlines, write out your daily to-do lists in awesome colours and chop up your days into bite-sized pieces and you still feel like it’s not enough. Like somehow you undercut your productivity that day and that you could actually have done a lot more if you’d just written in a few extra points.
It’s the curse of working under your own steam: what you achieve is never enough. If some boss had given you a checklist for the day, you’d feel pretty stoked to have finished it.
Three weeks ago, I lost my grandmother and naturally, productivity has taken a bit of a dive since then. It’s hard to concentrate and I think I’m trying to avoid feeling the bad feels by throwing myself into my work. But at a time like this, my mind isn’t really on my work. The last conversations, the last visits, the fact of human mortality and all that stuff that takes front and centre when someone in your life passes on.
My husband has the right idea: take some time, let yourself grieve and get back to reality when it feels right. But for me, grieving looks like staying in bed until midday, eating pot noodles for every meal and spending all day in my pyjamas playing video games. It doesn’t feel healthy, even if it is.
When we have dreams we’re trying to fulfil or even if we just want life to go on as if everything is sunshine and rainbows, the compulsion to plough on as normal is strong. For some of us, admitting that we need a break, whether it’s because we’re grieving or just working too hard, is actually the hardest part.
Well, I have a book coming out in April and hopefully another one in May, so my schedule doesn’t leave a lot of time for healing. But if I’m not taking care of myself, who’s going to do all this work?
I think it’s safe to say, even if it’s one of the hardest things you’ll do this week, practice the ultimate self-care. The kind that is hard to do: facing a difficult reality, taking a leap you’re totally prepared for but are doubting yourself, or grieving a loved one. It doesn’t feel like being kind to yourself at all but a couple of months down the road, maybe you’ll feel glad that you did it.
Thanks for bearing with me on this one and for all your supportive comments. Sharing the difficult stuff is helping me put everything in perspective. My husband also deserves the biggest kudos for being so supportive. Cuddles on tap!
Thanks for reading!